LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
