I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
