Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
