How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My cat gives me a boner
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize