It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
