I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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