Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need help removing her.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
