apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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