dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
