I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
