You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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