Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
