Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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