I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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