I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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