I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
