I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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