Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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