She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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