i'm signing you up for texting rehab
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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