Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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