So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
...so i touched it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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