Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
