Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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