the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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