was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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