dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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