If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
