i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
