I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
