Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
