the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
