RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
