the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
