did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize