All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
