Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize