Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
