you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
