i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
