Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
