Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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