omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
