I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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