i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
