then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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