last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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