shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
