we're blogging at a bar
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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