My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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