hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
