Kiss
Puke
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize