I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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