In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
