we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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