Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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