Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
