Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
