is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
