I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
