I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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