I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
