I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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