Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
