I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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