I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
