I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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