How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
