I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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