apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
