Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
