apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
